It's okay to be scared... There is only now...

Sometimes I am a bad friend.

Not in the backstabby way or in the selfish way. Crappy things happen (or really good things happen) and I always say, "I will spend more time with my friends. I will reach out to them more. I will take the time!"

...and then I don't.

I have this tendency to put up walls because I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing. I don't like messy. I try to avoid messy as much as possible and when things get uncomfortable my mind becomes a tower that I'm not willing to step down from and I spend a lot of time at home.

Rarely do I reflect on my commandments, in which I included "It's okay to be scared" and "There is only now," but right now I decided to check back on what I had told myself to do. When I wrote the commandments I was in a very different place; many of the commandments meant something so different from what they mean now.

It's okay to be scared

When I first included "It's okay to be scared," I really just meant it in a cease-the-day-be-adventurous-love-life kind of way. But over the past year it has definitely evolved.

Like I mentioned, when things get awkward, messy, "bad" or whatever you want to call it, I try to ignore it. This is something I've done since I was little - it would drive my mom nuts when we would have a huge fight, I'd go to my room and pass some time. I'd come out of my room a couple of hours later acting like nothing happened (internally I knew I screwed up and was just trying to make the situation lighter). As time has worn on I've somehow gotten worse at social interactions and have instead been working on avoiding them. I don't want to be that person. I am likely among the most social people you know. I thrive on interactions so I need to remember that it's okay to be scared, that's life. You screw something up, that's fine; don't make bad situations intentionally and apologize when you do create something negative. Because really there is only now. Life can sometimes take a toll on your happiness but if you spend all your time making perfect situations, you're not going to have a life. And that's just lame.

Oh and still.. you know... It's okay to be scared to try something new, cease the day, etc etc.

Don't sell yourself short

I go through these waves of loving who I am and what I look like to feeling desperately uncomfortable in my own skin. I always remind my friends that they're wonderful and that they should love themselves, I've even said "Don't blame your body, blame the clothing." I have a tendency to remind those around me that they shouldn't let others dictate how they feel about themselves and then I let myself do it. Except for, no one has ever told me that I'm physically unappealing: only I have ever told myself that.

And then tonight I found http://curveappeal.tumblr.com/ and I realized that I'm being totally ridiculous. It's fascinating because I look at these photos of women who are my size and look absolutely fantastic; I've been in similar photos (similar clothing and all) and have tended to look at the photo and decide that I don't love the way I look. Often I'll go through my photos months later and think that I did look great afterall but rarely do I love me at the time. Yet these women look great. So what's the difference between them and me?

I guess it's just the learning curve and where you are on it.

The reason I'm posting this is because I think there is a number of people who follow my blog (you know, of the three of you who read this) that feel uncomfortable in your skin. I know it's harder than looking at a blog to feel better about yourself and so I just want you to know that you're not alone. It takes a lot of getting to know yourself and how to feel good in your skin to actually love you. But it happens and we're all on our way to self-acceptance.

Just remember, love yourself; there's no one else to be.